More Than WE Know

I’m going to let you in on the secret to great networking.  If you read Part III of my 3 part series on networking, you might be able to guess it. But then again, it is amazing how many people don’t.  Partly because it is so simple. And partly because most people overlook the fact that networking is a two-way street. They are so focused on their own goals that they forget all about the goals of the other people they meet.

Remember Anya in Part III of my article? She was the connector who enjoyed introducing people to each other.  As you recall, I suggested that you become very close to Anya. 

But now I am going to take it one step further - I am going to suggest that you become Anya, or more accurately,  that you become a connector.

First, make a list similar to the one that you put together in Part III.  Only this time list all the people that you know.  This could take a while so you might want to think of them by categories - all the people you know from school, from your neighborhood, from your Church or Synagogue, etc. And don’t forget your family! They’re in your network, too.

When you have  a good list going, take a few moments to review it.  Who in your network might like to know someone else in your network? What kind of connections might they have - hobbies, business, shared interests? 

In your conversations with members of your network, listen between the lines of what they are saying. Think about whether there is anyone they could meet who might be able to help them with their latest problem - do they need a good hairdresser, financial planner, realtor, computer repairman, plumber, dogsitter, babysitter, lawn service, etc.? 

If so, make it a point to recommend one.  Give them a card or offer to make a call or send an email.  They’ll be impressed with your knowledge, remember the favor and look for opportunities to help you in return.

And if the connection is even more significant - say they need a referral for a job,  a partner for a project or a reference for a loan, then actually set up an introduction. Don’t just give the person a name, or make a phone call.   If you do, you’ve just set up the equivalent of a business blind date. Neither party really knows what to say to each other or why they are there. It is poised to backfire with a missed connection, hurt feelings and annoyance.  Rather than being seen as a strategic connector, you’ll be regarded as a meddlesome dis-connector! 

Instead, invite them both out to lunch or for coffee.  Introduce them. Help them get to know each other and get the conversation started.  Enable them to see what they each have to offer the other and the opportunity before them.  And then, step out.  Whether they actually follow through on the deal is none of your business. But they will both remember that you were the source of a good lead, and will be sure to think of you in return.

Before long, you will have a reputation as someone with a great network - a connector.  You’ll be the person that everyone wants to know - and networking will start being fun after all!

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In Part I of this series, we discussed a painless method of building a network and in Part II, we discussed an efficient method of maintaining the network you have already built. In Part III, we will address the third biggest concern about networking – making it pay off. To do that we have to get a little more cold-blooded, as we analyze your network and find the best ways to leverage it. In other words, not all those contacts you’ve been making are created equal.

Now, please don’t misunderstand – if you have met a truly lovely person through your networking – you laugh at the same jokes, cry at the same hallmark commercials, lust after the same movie stars, and share an intense caffeine and chocolate addiction, I’m genuinely happy for you. But if that same person never refers any clients to you, and only knows the same people you do and shares the same interests as you –then don’t kid yourself – you are not networking – you are hanging out with a friend.

Friends are wonderful and necessary and part of what makes living worthwhile.

But friends don’t always bring you new clients, or contacts, or fresh ideas.

Networks on the other hand are a way to get to know people you might not otherwise be friends with. That’s not to say that they are unpleasant or immoral, just that they may run in different circles than you do. Networking is an opportunity to broaden your horizons and your contacts and expose yourself to new ideas.

So, how do you know whether the network you are putting so much time and energy into is a true solid network or strictly a social circle? The best way is to use a technique called network mapping, as identified by Uzzi and Dunlap in their Harvard Business Review article, How to Build Your Network. This tool enables you to evaluate your network and come up with a strategic plan to leverage it.

First, make a list of all the people you have met in the past three months. If you can’t think of any, then you already have your answer. You are strictly socializing within your comfort zone. Go back and re-read Part I. Start meeting some new people before you move on to this activity.

If, however, you do have a list of new acquaintances, then create a second column that identifies who introduced you to these contacts. Take special note if a few names pop up repeatedly. Also, pay close attention if your own name pops up a lot. That will be important in a moment.

Now let’s say you list ten people you have met in the past three months. Of those ten people, your realize that your friend Anya introduced you to four of them. Three you met yourself and the other three were introduced by various other friends.

That means that 40 % of the people you met in the past month came from one person – Anya. Most likely she is what researchers call a “connector” – someone who knows a lot of people and gets pleasure out of connecting them together. By actively ensuring that you maintain close connections with Anya, you can increase the return on the time you spend networking. Anya is out there meeting people and connecting them with each other all the time – it’s part of her personality and what she does for fun. So, by being close to her, you automatically increase your chances of meeting new and different people.

Now, as you recall, three of the people on your list, you met directly. While there is nothing wrong with this, it obviously took more time and effort on your part than having Anya introduce you to her latest friends. In addition, the people you met yourself are probably very similar to you – in attitudes, occupation, location, etc. This is due to several theories Uzzi and Dunlap call the self-similarity principle and the proximity principle.

These two principles state that people tend to build social networks around people that are similar to them and live near them. While this can be fun from a social perspective, it limits your exposure to different social circles and different ideas.

The self-similarity and proximity principles also play themselves out on the internet. People gravitate to blogs, listservs and online communities of people with similar worldviews and experiences. Communities such as these can be comforting and enlightening (like this one!) but it is also good to stretch yourself occasionally and look for communities that you wouldn’t normally be drawn to – from technical infoshares to websites with funny pictures of cats. At the very least, you’ll gain fresh perspectives and creative ideas.

But the hands-down, most powerful way to get to know new people quickly and deeply is to work together on a common goal, particularly one you feel passionate about. Researchers call this the shared activities principle. If there is a local cause you feel strongly about – an election campaign, a charity drive, an intense travel or learning experience, get involved.

Get really involved. It’s not sufficient to give money. You have to give time, effort and preferably sweat. In the best case, you will find yourself building strong bonds quickly with people you would never otherwise have had a chance to meet. And in the worst case, you won’t meet anyone - but you’ve spent time contributing to a worthwhile cause, learned some new skills and gained a new story to share in your next networking event!

In Part 1 of When Networking is Not Working  of  we discussed ways to make networking a more enjoyable experience. We discussed how to develop more contacts. Many women say they don’t have time to maintain those contacts – and without maintenance, contacts will disappear. So, In Part II we discuss ways to efficiently and effectively maintain your network.

The following are ways to maintain your network even when you don’t have time. And to be sure it happens, schedule it on your calendar – don’t wait until you just happen to have free-time.

If you have 1 hour - invite a friend out for coffee

If you have 30 minutes - call a friend on the phone

If you have 15 minutes - send a handwritten note; (keep cards and stamps nearby)

If you have 10 minutes- send a personal email

And if you have no spare time? The following are ways to increase your network by multi-tasking:

- jog, walk or exercise with a friend

- participate in a charitable event or non-profit organization

- talk to people at the soccer game, baseball game, dance lesson

- talk to people while taking part in your favorite hobby

- talk on the phone while doing housework or shopping

- instant message during an (unimportant) meeting

The point is, not to make networking a separate event that occurs during specific pre-scheduled times. Reach out and make connections to people anywhere and everywhere that you already frequent.

But remember the tips from Part I – don’t be quick to sell them your services – be interested in them, cultivate them as your network, and they will in turn recommend you to their friends.

Some people are confused by my approach to networking - it doesn’t seem to afford people an opportunity to use their “30 second commercial”.  This is frustrating because:

1) We’ve all worked so hard to condense our lives and our business into a 30 second sound byte

2) If we don’t use it, how will anyone ever know what we do?

3) It enables us to turn the conversation over to our favorite topic - us!

To me, the most valuable advantage to developing a 30 second commercial is that it clarifies, for us, what our business is about. It helps us hone in on what is important and unique about ourselves and our business.

But the 30 second commercial is really just an invitation. It’s a tease, to get people to ask us to tell them more. 

We can achieve the same results, more powerfully, by listening to them, engaging in a real dialogue and developing a relationship.

If we want people to label us, categorize us, and add us to their rolodex, then use the 30 second commercial and a business card:

“I’m a business development specialist.  I work with women entrepreneurs to develop and grow their small businesses.  We focus on expanding their customer base, increasing their profit margin, engaging their employees and reducing the time they need to devote to their business. Sometimes the solutions are technical and complex while at other times they are amazingly personal and straight-forward.”

or, if you want to have a real conversation, gain some interesting insights, and perhaps make a new friend, how about:

“I have a business devoted to helping women entrepreneurs achieve greater success. I’m always interested in learning more about the challenges women face in running their own business - could you tell me what a typical day is like for you?”

There’s a time and a place for each of these conversations - the key is knowing when to use each approach and to be prepared and comfortable, regardless.

Some feedback I have heard on Part I of my networking series, is that people don’t feel they have any stories to tell. They want some examples to get them started.  So, while I don’t  have space to give you the fully fleshed out stories, I will give you some examples I have heard in my own network.   

-         an accountant who was so broke while studying for her CPA exams that she lived in her car for three weeks; luckily she passed and was able to move into a house and use her car for transportation!

-         a dance studio owner that started her business after giving birth to her first child – she didn’t want to leave her in daycare, so instead she took her with her to daycare centers where she taught tap for $1 per student; her daughter always had a variety of children and toys to play with and at 2 years old could tap dance to tea for two!

-         a marketing specialist who lost her job after 9/11; she then hit the streets in her NY neighborhood, developing marketing materials and putting together a neighborhood business directory, rebuilding a sense of community in a fragile time

-         a family doctor in a small Ohio town who had a patient go into labor on the same morning her two children were participating in a music recital 30 minutes from the hospital – and she was the one accompanying them on the piano! She drove to the hospital to check on her patient – then hurried to the recital to play for her daughter, then she raced back to the hospital, delivered a healthy baby and then raced back to the recital, in time to play for her son!  Her children never lost confidence, but her husband sure was relieved to see her show up in time – he didn’t know how to play the piano or deliver a baby!!  

- my own experience with a Nor’easter rainstorm that dumped 13 inches of rain on my small New England town in 8 hours.  The town was declared a disaster area and FEMA came out to check claims.  The FEMA adjuster came to my house, took one look, and said – oh my, this is a disaster!  I said – no – the damage is in the basement – this is my living room – I run a business out of my home - it always looks like this!!!  

The stories can be funny, dramatic, or poignant; the point is to make a connection.  In reviewing these tales, one thing that comes to my mind is that they are all centered on a challenge or struggle of some kind.  Stories of hardship are humanizing and promote bonds.  They create empathy.  Stories of hardship overcome are inspiring. And hardship that is treated with humor is engaging.  It’s okay to exaggerate or poke fun at yourself in the stories. In fact, in networking with women, it is actually more acceptable.  Women tend to connect over similarities, and self-deprecating humor, as opposed to one-upmanship and accomplishment as men do.  

So think about things that have happened to you in your business or life that might make entertaining stories; and the next time you are having a truly bad day – cheer yourself up by thinking about what a great story you’ll have for your next networking opportunity!!!