More Than WE Know

I have a question for you.

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According to Peggy Collins, author of Help Is Not a Four Letter Word many women find it much easier to give help to others than to ask for it themselves. She calls this the “self-sufficiency syndrome”.

As a Business Development Specialist for Women Entrepreneurs, this tendency disturbs me. Failing to ask for help can lead to unsustainable business practices. Ask many Women Entrepreneurs and they will tell you that they are “a one-woman show” or a “jack of all trades”. They take pride in their ability to run and manage a business, a family and other responsibilities all on their own.

While WE should be proud of our accomplishments and progress - WE must be careful not to get caught in a trap of our own making.

Ironically, being dependent solely on ourselves makes us vulnerable. WE have no backup and no support. When things go wrong (and they will), we have no one we can turn to, to help solve the crisis. And when opportunity presents itself (and it will) we have no one we can turn to, to help grow our business.

In her book, Peggy gives many reasons why people may have trouble asking for help. She highlights the impacts of our childhood, our experiences, and our culture. She also gives compelling reasons why we should take the risk to reach out, despite the inner voices that tell us not to.

Peggy points out that as long as we insist on always being the strong one, the one in control, with all of the answers, we destine ourselves to a life of isolation and a feeling that we’re on the outside looking in. It is only when we let people in, behind the scenes, and give them the “dignity of helping”, that we really form a community that is larger than ourselves.

Peggy’s book is full of insights about the self-sufficiency syndrome, its impact on our lives and tactical steps for getting out of our own way of success. It’s impossible for me to share them all here, but I would like to give you a recent real life example that might illustrate the power of some of her philosophy.

Some of you may know of Caroline Middlebrook. Caroline recently quit her job with the intention of making her living marketing on the internet. She began a blog which described the progress she was making and the lessons she was learning.

Caroline’s ability to research and communicate complex information in a clear and compelling way, quickly gave her a large following. In a matter of a few months she had gained almost 1000 subscribers, written an e-book, and was being interviewed everywhere as an up and coming expert on internet marketing.

Then in November, her posts grew more infrequent and less informative. Although they were technically on target, they began to lose some of the warmth and genuineness that had previously endowed them. She made a few mentions of struggling with illness and computer issues but gave no details or clear explanations. Significantly, although she was obviously struggling, she never asked for any help.

About two weeks ago, she made a post that contained a podcast. In it, she again mentioned her recent illness and computer woes. She remained professional and remote and vowed to get back on track very soon. She still did not ask for any help.

It was at this point, that I began to consider unsubscribing to her blog. There was nothing tangible that I could put my finger on - but it seemed that whatever connection I thought I had made, was no longer there.

The next day she posted an article entitled, “Yesterday’s podcast was a Lie”. She then gave details about the personal crisis she had been living with in secret for the previous month:

• being unceremoniously dumped by her partner of 10 years
• her subsequent emotional reaction and hospitalization
• her temporary homelessness
• her ongoing depression
• her increasing desperation

By posting this, she was making the first step in reclaiming her integrity and sense of self. But it was also obvious she expected to lose her readers as a consequence. She had reached the point where she no longer cared. Caroline may not have realized it but her post was an unconscious request for help.

As opposed to what Caroline expected, her raw, personal post, exposing her vulnerabilities as a human being, quickly became one of her most read and commented upon posts. Scores of her readers, who had previously remained silent while reading her blog, felt compelled to reach out and offer words of condolence, support and encouragement.

Several, like me, said that they had been on the verge of unsubscribing, but that after her latest post had changed their minds. They were once more feeling connected to her as a human being. And they offered help.

Caroline’s initial post had been an unconscious cry for help; her follow up post a few days later was more deliberate, although no less sincere. After a few posts demonstrating how disillusioned she had become with internet marketing, Caroline consciously asked for help from her readers.

She offered them an open invitation and a challenge to inspire her. She longed to reconnect with the passion she had once felt, and she asked her readers to engage with her to help her find that spark.

Within a week of her initial request for help, Caroline appeared to be back on track with her previous self. She was visibly buoyed by the support she had experienced. She was encouraged that her readers were also interested in more than just tips on how to have a meteoric rise to to making money on the internet. She discovered that there were people who were like her, looking to make money from a business that enabled them to keep their dignity and integrity.

Many like-minded people reached out to Caroline through comments, email and twitter to connect with her and to be part of this emerging community that was now searching for meaning as well as money in their lives.

Caroline’s story is significant on many levels. Not the least of which is one of the lessons that Peggy writes about in her book: by asking others for help we are giving them the dignity of helping.

Caroline didn’t set out to be honest as a “marketing strategy”. If she had, it would have backfired. But by letting people in (just a little bit) and then actively leveraging their help, she was able to build a stronger connection and sense of community. She drew on the strength of the people she had been helping, and they all grew stronger as a result.

You don’t have to have a blog or experience a personal crisis to emulate this experience. Everyone has areas in which they need help. Everyone needs support, encouragement, ideas, suggestions, and a shoulder to lean on at times.

If you are always the one giving the support, and never the one receiving it, you are only experiencing one side of relationships. And you are placing self-imposed limits on your own growth and the growth of your business.

I have only touched on a small portion of the powerful concepts and insights in Peggy Collin’s book Help Is Not a Four Letter Word. I’ll be discussing more about her philosophy in future posts. Also, Peggy has agreed to write some guest articles for More Than WE Know, so look forward to insight straight from Peggy in the coming weeks.

Visit Peggy’s homepage and sign up for a Free Tip of the Week - Asking for Help.

And let me know - How comfortable are you with asking for help? How much further could you go if you had a little help getting there?

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