More Than WE Know

It doesn’t take much to realize that we’d get a lot more done, have more fun doing it, and feel the satisfaction of collaboration if we’d only ask for help. Then why is it so difficult?

Our culture says it’s a weakness to ask for help, so is it any wonder that our parents inherited the party line and repeated it to us, perhaps never questioning its value or whether it made sense. Most of us were raised with “family mantras” playing over and over in our minds until they have become a part of us. “Don’t bother the neighbors!” “If you want it done right, do it yourself!” We cut our teeth hearing these and maybe the last words out the door as we left for college.

Have you heard the story about the new bridegroom who asked why his wife cut the end off the ham before cooking it? “Because my mother did”, she replied. When he had an opportunity he asked her mom and her answer was “Because my mother did”. Anxious to get to the bottom of this, he couldn’t wait for an opportunity to ask his wife’s grandmother and the occasion finally presented itself. “Why did you cut the end off the ham before you cooked it?” he asked. “Because my pan was too short!” Three generations repeating the same behavior never questioning it.

So if you’re carrying that old belief around about it’s being a weakness to ask for help, does it make sense to change it and how? If you’re not asking for help, then you’re doing everything all by yourself. In today’s’ world that means you’re a very busy person with more coming at you all the time! It also means that you’ve become accomplishment based because your success has come to depend on how well you do everything all by yourself. What a trap that is. You have unwittingly become very extreme in your lifestyle and it means there’s a very good chance there will be effects from all the stress.

So how do you begin to change the belief? It’s easy to tell you but it will take commitment and dedication to a new way of living to make it happen.

Your new belief might read, “it is a strength to ask for help!” Now, your behavior must be congruent with your belief just as it was in the past.

How will you act as you adopt this new belief? There’s good science that says if you “act as if” you really do believe the new belief, even though we know major changes like that don’t happen over night, after a time of acting it out, you will come to adopt it.

1. Make a point to ask for help when the occasion arises. It will be frightening at first because you’re used to having all the control and you’ll be handing some of it over to others. So let’s think about maintaining some of the control by “languaging” your request. The very greatest lesson I ever learned is that people support what they help create, so:

• When would it be convenient for you to show me how you did that Excel Spreadsheet?
• Is there a better time to help me lift this heavy piece of furniture?
• Let’s plan a way to get this house cleaned up so we can go to the movies.
• Could you help with the last of this project if I help you on that billing?

It’s apparent that each sample incorporates the other person in creating a plan to make helping you successful. The chance of an outright rejection is minimized.

The loss of control is not complete, and there is a feeling of camaraderie.

That’s a win/win.

2. When you live in the belief that it’s a strength to ask for help, your self-esteem goes up every time you ask and each time someone says “sure”! Of course we need to keep this in balance just like any other behavior.

3. Your life becomes more balanced, so you’re not as stressed and you have more time for relationships.

4. You find that the general productivity goes up as a result of everyone helping each other and the benefit of the collaboration creates higher morale.

5. Would you be surprised from all these items, that in business, believing that “asking for help is a strength” goes straight to the bottom line?

Beliefs are powerful. They drive how we act. If we want to act more balanced, have more fun, feel more fulfilled, and know that we are part of something much larger than ourselves, we’d better get busy. We have a belief to rewrite about asking for help!

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This was a guest post by Peggy Collins. Peggy is the author of Help Is Not a Four Letter Word. She has been a professional speaker and trainer since 1987 and can be reached at Help is Not a Four Letter Word.

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