More Than WE Know

I just learned about a great new social networking site exclusively for women business owners and “business owner wannabes”! It’s called MyWomanOwnedBusiness.com. It’s the brainchild of Kimberly Porrazzo, editor of OC Metro magazine. 

The site is great in that it combines the personalizaition and individual creativity of MySpace with the business networking focus of LinkedIn. The site just launched and membership is growing rapidly.

In her site profile, Kimberly explains her motivation for starting the site:   

“I attended meetings of the Orange County chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO; www.nawbo-oc.org). I couldn’t help but be impressed by the willingness of women to share ideas about business with each other, even in a competitive situation.

I wanted to create a space where women could come together to ask questions of one another in a nonthreatening atmosphere; a place where like-minded women could ask for advice about a business situation or problem, for suggestions on how to grow their business - and, a place to shout out their successes in order to inspire other women. ”

I especially loved the part about “shouting out our successes in order to inspire other women”!  What a great vision of support.

I am particularly excited for readers of MoreThanWEKnow because I think this site will be a great opportunity for low-risk networking for shy and introverted entrepreneurs who are less comfortable with traditional networking venues.  What’s even better is that the site is intended to help both women who already have a business and women who are considering starting one.

Although in its early stages, it appears that there will be a wide geographic distribution as well as a diversity of business ventures.  This will enable all participants to develop a broader, more varied network. 

As we’ve discussed previously, there are approximately 10 million women-owned businesses in the United States. The potential network that Kimberly’s site is tapping into is huge.

So, jump over to her site, take 5 minutes to set up a profile, and don’t forget to invite me as a friend - I’ll be waiting to hear from you!!  

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Yesterday marked the ten year anniversary of the death of Princess Diana.   As many of you remember, Diana was as famous for her shyness as she was for her beauty and grace.  She struggled for years with her feelings of self-consciousness and inadequacy.  It was really only in the final few years of her life that she blossomed into the confident woman that she was.

There is a lesson in Diana’s story for many of us.  In our heads, we play the game of “if only…”  If only I were rich, if only I were beautiful, if only I were famous….then I would be self-confident.  But Diana had all of those things and still struggled with her self-esteem.

It was only as she became more aware of herself and the gifts she brought to the world that she became comfortable in her own skin.  It was only when she realized that her sincere compassion and empathy for others enabled her to touch their hearts, that she grew confident in her interactions.  

In the time following her divorce, Diana realized that she carried her gifts within her, apart from her royal title and trappings.  Despite losing her official place in British royalty, she had gained a permanent position in the world’s hearts as the “People’s Princess.”  Diana used her gift of heart-felt connection to help the world through her involvement with charities and worthwhile causes.  It is impossible to know  how her influence would have grown as she continued to mature into her full sense of her self.

Like Diana, many of us are unaware of our gifts.  We think we need more credentials, more experience, or more knowledge in order to help others.  But like Diana, we all carry the capacity to influence within us. 

Perhaps our actions won’t touch millions, but we do affect those we come in contact with throughout our days - in our business, in our families and in our communities.  

We do not have to be rich or beautiful or famous to make a difference in the world. We just need to get in touch with our own strengths. We need to share the unique gift of who we are with those who come in contact with us. We need to believe in ourselves and in the difference we can make. 

The next time you go to a networking event in which you feel self-conscious and insecure, consider Diana’s legacy: Believe in who you are; Be willing to share yourself with the world;  Believe that others need what you have to offer; Reach out to touch them with compassion and concern; Give them your best self; Trust that it will be enough. 

 (picture from www.acomplaintfreeworld.org)

Last Saturday, my friend Sarah gave me a purple elastic band, with the words “A Complaint Free World” printed on it.  She said that along with the band came a challenge to refrain from complaining for 21 days (the amount of time it takes to ingrain a new habit).  She said that each time I slipped up and complained, I needed to move the band to my other wrist and start counting the 21 days all over again. 

I eagerly accepted the band because I thought it was a great idea.  I loved the idea of reducing the negative energy and free-floating complaining in the world.  I must admit, I took the band a bit smugly. I put it on my left wrist, confident that it would stay there for the entire 21 days.  I think of myself as a very positive person, who is very grateful for the life I lead. I figured it would be no problem for me to go a mere 3 weeks without complaining.

So, I got the band on Saturday afternoon and put it on my left wrist.

Saturday evening - Going back to my hotel after my coaching class, I had to take a NY subway downtown in suffocating heat. Due to some construction, the express trains were running local and making all the stops.  Moved the band to my right wrist.

Sunday - Took the final exam for my coaching class. What I thought was going to be a two-hour short answer test with a single essay question, turned out to be closer to a two-hour all essay test.  Moved the band back to my left wrist.

Monday - Caught a flight from NY to Phoenix. Sat on the runway for 45 minutes waiting to take off.  I’d already been away from my husband all week when I was in NY and he was in Connecticut; now I was going further away.  Moved the band back to my right wrist.

Tuesday - Discovered the water heater in my apartment in Phoenix was broken. Took a cold shower. Moved the band back to my left wrist.

Wednesday - Despite a note from the maintenance man that he had repaired my water heater, there was still no hot water. Washed my hair in cold water. Moved the band back to my right wrist.

Thursday -  Problems with my laptop caused me to spend 15 minutes searching for a phone number for “customer service” - and then to sit on hold waiting to talk to a human being for another 25 minutes. Moved the band back to my left wrist.

Friday - Catching the red-eye from Phoenix to NY and then taking the first morning  train from Grand Central to Connecticut - might as well go ahead and move the band over to my right wrist now.

So, what did I learn in the first 7 days of my grand experiment?

I could say that this week has been worse than usual, but that wouldn’t be true.  Every week, every day, has incidents that push us to complain.  The truth is that I complain more than I realize; the band just made me more conscious of it.

The problem is that complaining is negative energy.  As we discussed in yesterday’s post, people are attracted to positive energy and repelled by negative energy. So while I may get momentary relief from complaining about my situation, I am actually doing myself more harm than good. The people I am trying to connect with, will actually eventually start to avoid me.

This is important for the would-be networker to realize. While it is important to connect with people with words and passion, those connections should be positive in order to be nurturing and sustainable. 

There are over 2 million purple bands in circulation.  If you would like one of your own, order here. They’re free although they accept donations to cover expenses.  But be forewarned - due to the high demand the bands are taking currently 12 weeks to be delivered.

Once you get the band, see how long it takes you to go 21 straight days without a complaint. Wear your band to your next networking event and use it as an icebreaker. Tell the people you meet about your 21 day project - I’m sure they’ll be interested - but whatever you do -  don’t complain about it!!

What do you think of this project? Would you take the challenge? Or do you think that complaining serves a purpose?

 (photo by Linda Van Dijk)

I read a fantastic post this morning written by Marilyn Suttle.  Marilyn is an expert in customer service. She co-writes the blog, LoveThemUp.com.  In her post Marilyn tells about a truly terrible day that was turned around by the positive energy exhibited by a waiter at a Big Boy restaurant.  The waiter was so sincerely happy and enthusiastic that it was contagious. Along with their chocolate malts, Marilyn and her husband got an invigorating shot of energy to take back home with them.

I loved this story because it illustrates how energy can be literally transferred from one person to another. 

Stop for a moment and think of a person who makes you feel good just by being around them. If you are drawing a blank, think of the last time you were around a two or three year old child.  Even if the child was a complete stranger in a restaurant or an airport, you were probably drawn to their energy and their delight in the world around them.  This type of sincere enthusiasm is compelling.  We find ourselves thinking that “we want what they’re having”.  

Contrast that feeling to the one we get when someone is pretending to be friendly, as in the stereotype of the “used car salesman”.  Even though he or she acts friendly, we can sense that it is forced and insincere. This contradiction makes us uncomfortable. Instead of being drawn closer, we are repelled.   

What does this mean to us in our networking?

First, it is important to remember that people are drawn not just to what we say, but to how we say it. Our energy speaks volumes before we even say a word.  This can be a challenge for the majority of us who are uncomfortable in networking situations.  If we are feeling anxious, scared, shy or depressed, others will sense that and have a tendency to steer clear. This, of course,  will make us more anxious, scared, shy or depressed, causing them to avoid us even more, and so on, and so on.

So, what is the nervous networker to do?

First, take a deep breath.  Consider that this can actually be good news for those of us who feel tongue-tied in groups.  It means that people will remember less about what you actually said, and more about how you made them feel.    That takes some of the pressure off of “saying the right thing”.

It also means that it is extra important to tap into our positive energy and passion. Even for the most nervous among us, there are ways to do that:

1) Talk about subjects you feel passionate about  - whether it’s the feedback you got from a customer, your belief in how your service can help the world, or the satisfaction you are feeling from knowing you are building a business that really reflects your values, your enthusiasm will come across in your voice and your face.

2) Network while volunteering for a worthwhile cause - again it’s all about the passion and the energy. Don’t get involved in something because you think “you should”.  Get involved in something that you would be interested in doing even if you don’t meet anyone to network with.  And then, remember to speak about it with passion the next time you’re at a more traditional networking event.

3) Network while pursuing your hobby - Whether it is quiliting or kayaking, a book club or a wine tasting, your enthusiasm is going to come through. When you are doing something you enjoy, your confidence and your energy incease.  You will be more open to others and they will be more receptive to you.

Increasing the energy and enthusiasm in your life doesn’t just benefit the people around you. It benefits you!   You will feel more passion and purpose in life, and other people will in turn be more drawn to you, increasing your passion and purpose even more!

Tell me about what you feel passionate about - how do you incorporate opportunities to feel energetic into your daily lives?

 Dr. Ivan Misner, founder of BNI, Intl. recently wrote an article for Entrepreneur.com in which he explained why introverts can be great networkers because they are already great listeners.  Now, Dr. Misner is a nationally recognized expert in networking, but I have several issues with the article that he wrote.

First, he does not distinguish between introverts and people who are shy.  As we’ve discussed in previous posts, while these two traits can come together, they are not identical.  The tips he gives in his article to help introverts are really aimed at shy individuals.  Many introverts enjoy other people; they just find interactions with them draining.  To be effective, introverts need to remember to pace themselves and find ways to re-energize. 

But what concerns me the most about the article is that it states that introverts are naturally better listeners than extroverts because they have a tendency to be quiet. What this doesn’t take into consideration is the noise going on inside either the shy or introverted person’s head.  While sitting quietly, and appearing to listen, the shy person may really be thinking:

“…everyone here is dressed better than I am..I wonder where she got that suit…maybe I should have worn a suit….I never wear the right thing….what is she talking about now?….uh oh, I wonder if she is going to expect me to respond?….I don’t know what to say…maybe if I keep nodding my head she will keep talking….I wonder if I look like a bobble head with my head nodding…..”

while an equally quiet introverted person might be thinking,

“I wonder when I can leave….I’ve been here for 45 minutes I think…I wish I could see my watch…but if I look, she’ll know I’m not paying attention….hey that guy’s wearing a watch….maybe I can see it out of the corner of my eye…..hey, great! 52 minutes….by the time I go to the bathroom and get my coat, it will be one hour since I got here….that’s long enough…I wonder if I have to find the hostess to say good-bye or if I can just slip out….”

So, as you can see, silence is not always golden. It is, as Dr. Misner pointed out, the first step in effective listening. But to really be effective at listening, it helps to know the following:

1) Don’t feel pressured to say something brilliant in response.  Most people are starved for attention. If you will actually concentrate on what they are saying instead of listening to the noise going on in your head, they will sense your interest and enjoy talking to you.

2) Express yourself without words.  Facial expressions, head nods, encouraging murmurs (”hmmm”, “I see”, “wow”, “really!”, etc.) enable you to participate in the conversation without actually having to say anything.

3) Ask open-ended questions.  This sounds harder than it is.  It helps to ask questions that start with “what” or “how”.  Avoid asking questions that can be answered with one word, especially if that word is “yes” or “no”.  For example, it’s much better to ask “What was your favorite experience  in Mexico?” rather than “Did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?” 

By bundling these three techniques together, the shy person can carry on quite a long conversation without the pressure of being witty or funny.  And as Dr. Misner points out, the smart networker can use these conversations to learn much more about the prospective customer than their more talkative companions.

By really listening to what the other person has to say, you can identify their goals, their challenges and their motivations and determine ways that you and your product or service can help them with their needs. When you do decide it’s time to speak, your conversation will be tailored to them and their concerns - and they will think you brilliant!!