More Than WE Know

 (photo by Zela)

Last night I went to a graduation dinner for iPEC, the institutue for Professional Empowerment Coaching. Approximately 20 of us had been part of an intense program of advanced coaching studies for the past 6 months.  There was much laughing, hugging and even a little crying. We warmly congratulated each other on our success, affectionately kidded each other on past mistakes, and proudly encouraged each other on future opportunities. 

As we chatted during the evening, some people expressed surprise that I had been writing articles on networking for shy entrepreneurs.  They commented that I did not “seem shy”.   This got me thinking about some of the common misconceptions about shyness that can lead to misunderstandings and lost opportunities.

While it’s true that some people are pervasively shy, feeling awkward and self-conscious in almost every interaction, most people fall somewhere short of this extreme.  For many people, shyness is based on their comfort with a situation, a role,  and the people around them.  The more comfortable they feel -  the less shy they act.  Over time, the unfamiliarity fades and the shyness becomes less apparent or even disappears. This was the situation between my classmates and me. Apparently some of them had forgotten how quiet I had been in the early classes and were only looking at the talkative person I had become.

Shyness is a protective device. We are protecting ourselves from the danger of the unknown.  Situational Shyness can be triggered by meeting new people, having a new job, and taking on a new role.  This is why people can be outgoing with friends but shy with strangers.  It is also why some people can be confident presenting in front of a group of strangers but tongue-tied making small-talk to a circle of acquaintances.  

While this behavior can seem clear and consistent to the shy person, it can seem confusing and inconsistent to the people around her. Instead of assuming that the quietness is based on shyness - they may assume it is rudeness, coldness or a deliberate snub.  Their reasoning is that if they’ve seen that person act friendly in the past, they don’t believe that they can be feeling shy now.

The outcome then can be misunderstandings and lost opportunities for friendships and partnership.

So what is the aspiring entrepreneur with situational shyness to do?

By changing the way you talk to yourself and to others, you can give yourself the time you need to regain your self-confidence and eliminate your need for self-protection. 

When you find yourself in a situation that brings out your shyness, such as a networking event, reduce your need for self-protection by changing the way you talk to yourself:   

•  “Most people are feeling uncomfortable”
•  ”Everyone says something wrong sometimes”
•  ”Mistakes are not fatal”
• “No one else is paying as much attention to my behavior as I am”  

And when you talk to others, change the way you explain your behavior. 

Don’t label yourself as shy, instead identify the situation as one that triggers shyness in you. 

If you say “I’m just shy” in response to their questions about why you are quiet, and they have seen you acting self-confident before, you will only get an argument because you don’t fit their idea of shyness. 

“No - you’re not shy! I’ve seen you giving presentations!”

“You can’t be shy! You have a great sense of humor!”

Instead, say “This situation makes me feel shy” or “I get tongue-tied in front of new people.”  They can’t argue with that and it will increase their awareness of the way shyness can come and go.  It may help them realize that your behavior doesn’t mean you are unfriendly or rude or lack anything intelligent to say -  it just means you need a little more time to regain your self-confidence and sense of self.

Many people avoid networking events because they are one of the top situations that trigger our shyness.   Instead of avoiding the events altogether, give yourself some time to adjust, and some freedom to be yourself. 

Instead of attending a different networking event every week, find one you want to attend and go consistently and regularly. Over time, the situation will become more familiar and less threatening and your need for the protection of shyness will fade.  Once you feel comfortable in one networking organization, the next one will seem less intimidating, and the one after that even less so, and so on, and so on.

I was fortunate that the iPEC classes were spread over a period of months so that I had time to become more comfortable in the situation.  You can create the same kind of fortune in your networking by building in the time you need to let go of your shyness and share your best self.

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Great timing!! Following yesterday’s post about why every entrepreneur needs a blog, I found this list of 100 blogs devoted to the woman entrepreuneur.  Lots of great examples and inspirations, including stories of how other women have become successful entrepreneurs.  Check out the blogs and the ebooks and then get busy building your own inspiring story of success!!!

Please tell me about your own experience building a blog to support your business. I’d love to hear your story!

Question: What’s a quick, painless way to network to a lot of your customers and potential colleagues without ever having to leave the comfort of your own backyard?

Answer: A Blog    (you knew that, didn’t you?)

But if  a blog is such a powerful networking tool - why do so many entrepreneurs make the mistake of not creating one?

I asked a few people in my network and got the following answers:

1) Don’t see the value (i.e. where’s the money???)

2) Concerned they didn’t have anything to say

3) Too intimidated by the technology   

Let’s address these concerns one at a time.

First, I agree, the value of a blog is not to create instant sales.  It is a networking tool that works for you and your business, even while you sleep.  We all know that most things being equal, people prefer to do business with people they know, like and trust:  A Blog is an easy way to build rapport with your customers.

A Blog is an opportunity to: 

• provide ongoing value
• build awareness
• build loyalty

When the time comes that they do need your services or products, how much more likely are they to think of you if they’ve been reading your blog on a regular basis?

Now that you’re starting to see the potential value of a blog,  let’s discuss the concern that you won’t have anything to say.  The great thing about blogs is that they can be whatever you want them to be. 

My blog has articles and pictures that tell a story or give advice, because that’s what I like to write.  Your blog might have lists, news articles, funny pictures, jokes, recipes, etc.  

One great way to blog that adds a lot of value and doesn’t take much writing effort is to write tip sheets based on your area of expertise:

• a realtor might write tips for selling a house, buying a house, decorating, finding a school system, determining the crime rate, making friends in a new neighborhood, finding a lawn service, reducing the risk of crime, etc.
• a skin care specialist might write tips for grooming, makeup, looking younger, etc.
• a drycleaner might write tips for getting out stains, choosing fabrics, storing winter clothes, etc.
• a virtual assistant might write tips for organizing files, backing up computers, writing standard letters, etc.

Can you picture your customers coming back time and time again to see what new tips you have to offer?  And maybe referring their friends to your blog for great information?

You can build further incentives and loyalty by offering blog-only discounts or holding contests. You can also add surveys to your blog which will enable you to gather more information about the needs of your customers to consider when developing new services.

You can create some fun in your blog by having it written by a ”mascot”. For example a bookstore owner might have a blog “written” by the store cat, a day care center owner might write from the point of view of a toddler, and a seller of baby clothes might write from the point of view of a kindly grandmother.

You can write the blog yourself, you can have someone else in your family or business write the blog or you can hire someone else to do it.  If you delegate the blog writing, ensure that the person you hire has some knowledge and passion for your topic and that it conveys the image you want associated with your business.  Successful blogging builds your brand. Don’t underestimate its influence. 

If you’re interested in hiring someone to do the blogging, look for “ghost bloggers” who convey the tone and image you want, as well as the information. You can find “ghost bloggers” at www.elance.com, or hire more robust services like www.mccordweb.com or www.advmediaproductions.com. 

Professional blogs can cost $15 to $100 and up per post.  Before hiring a professional blogger, be sure to see samples of sites they already support and get a clear understanding of how much research they will do, the length of the posts and whether they offer search engine optimization, hosting or other benefits.

While writing a blog can be a little challenging, creating one shouldn’t be. It is much easier than building a website.  It is even exciting to see something that you’ve written instantly published on the web!

To create a blog, simply log onto a site like this one - www.wordpress.com.  Choose a name (your business name is a good place to start) and request a blog.  It only takes a minute.  Then write your first post. 

Imagine you are writing a letter to your favorite customer.  Tell them something you want them to know.  Thank them for their business.  Offer them a special discount.  Be sincere.  Be yourself. Don’t worry about making it perfect. When you’re done -  hit “publish”.

Congratulations! You have a blog!

You’re on your way to building a powerful, painless, inexpensive networking, marketing and customer relationship management tool!

Do you have experiences leveraging a blog for your businesses?  Tell me about the success and challenges you’ve encountered!

 Or Why Barbie Doesn’t Make a Good Business Coach!

I’d like to introduce you to a long-time companion of mine - Barbie. You know, the perfect plastic doll that’s been around since the 1960’s? I’m afraid that for years she has taken up residence on my left shoulder.  Whenever I was about to speak up in a group,  Barbie would tug on my earlobe and impart such helpful phrases as:

“They don’t want to hear what you have to say….”

“They already know that….”

“Oh, you are so boring, please be quiet…”

“You’re not going to tell that story again, are you? You tell it so badly….”

….and so on.  Any of you who related to my earlier  post on networking for the shy entrepreneur can probably understand the concept of hearing messages in our heads which tell us to sit down and be quiet and not bother anyone.  For years, I’ve accepted Barbie’s advice, figuring the only person it was hurting was myself.

But one day an insightful business coach gave me a different perspective on the situation. She said that by not speaking up, I was actually withholding myself from others.  And that by spending my time quietly listening in group conversations (which can sometimes be a good thing) I could be misunderstood as only being willing to take from others while giving nothing in return. 

Since the idea of being a taker goes against the very nature of who I am or who I want to be, I definitely took notice.  I realized that Barbie was causing much more harm than I had previously understood - and so I hatched a plot to do her in.

However before I got very far in my murderous scheming, I remembered an essay by Virginia Woolf that I had read a few years ago.  It seems Woolf suffered from a similar left-shoulder visitor, whom she referred to as the “angel of the house”.  This “angel” got in her path whenever she tried to write anything that was not “ladylike”.

In A Room of One’s Own, Ms. Woolf described her own attempt to murder her talkative companion, “ Thus, whenever I felt the shadow of her wing or the radiance of her halo upon my page, I took up the ink pot and flung it at her. She died hard. Her fictitious nature was of great assistance to her. It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality. She was always creeping back when I thought I had dispatched her. ”

I decided that if Virginia Woolf had had that much trouble silencing the voices in her head, that I would probably have no better luck. So instead, I decided to transform Barbie and bring her up to date for the 21st century.  I’ve renamed her Babs, and I’m  retraining her to whisper encouraging words in my ear. Babs says things like:

“Ooh - that’s interesting, they’re going to like that”

“Go ahead and re-tell that story - someone hasn’t heard it yet, and besides, it’s funny.”

“I bet that insight will really help someone, go ahead and tell it.”

Don’t you like Babs much better? I know I do.

So, if you have a voice inside your head telling you that you shouldn’t speak up, or you shouldn’t take a risk, or that no one is going to like you, etc.  recognize it for the limiting belief that it is.  Realize that you are not just limiting yourself, you are limiting those around you  - You are limiting the value you bring to the world.

This blog was created as a means to silence Barbie.  I even named it More Than We Know - because I believe all women Know More Than WE believe we Know, Contribute More Than WE really Know, and Make a Difference to Others More Than WE can ever Know.

So, take a chance - speak up!  Babs says it’s going to be alright.

Do you relate to this story? Do you find yourself tongue-tied out of fear of looking foolish or being boring or misunderstood? If so, I’d like to hear about it.  You can comment below or send me a confidential reply on my “About” page.

Yesterday we talked about the concept of referral marketing.  This is marketing based on the referral of clients between respected colleagues in separate businesses with similar target markets.  For example, a golf pro could refer a client to a chiropractor, or a realtor could refer a client to an interior designer.  These professionals share a similar client base, but provide separate services.

But what about providing referrals to people in the same business as you? Yes, you read that right, as crazy as it sounds, I am suggesting that you refer clients to your competition!

Before you dismiss it out of hand, let me tell you a story about a time when my husband and I were vacationing in India on the Arabian Sea.  We saw some fishing boats with large nets on the beach and were curious about how the fisherman managed the nets to catch fish.  The next morning we got our answer.

The fisherman sailed his boat out into the water while a crowd of men and women stayed on shore holding on to the net.  When the net was fully spread out the boat was probably 100 yards out in the water.  Then the net was lowered to allow fish to swim across. At a signal the net was raised, the boat headed back inland,  and the crowd pulled frantically to pull the net up on the beach. 

Dozens of fish lay spread out on the sand, sparkling in the sun. The crowd coverged and rapidly began collecting the fish.  There was much laughing and joking as they all shared in the fisherman’s catch.  In  a matter of minutes the fish were all gathered up and the crowd moved off back to the village to prepare and preserve the fish.  

Now, you could say that all the members of this village were in competition for the same goal - fish.  And each one could have worked individually to catch their fish supper.  On any given day, some  would have been successful, but many others would not. 

Those that were successful might even have caught more fish than they and their family could eat. They would have then thrown these excess fish back or held onto them only to throw them away when they spoiled. Meanwhile, other fishermen, who had been less successful would have had to let their families go hungry.

By working together the entire village was able to benefit.   They cast a wide net that brought enough fish to feed them all. There were several boats on the beach. The next day a different boat and a different net were used, easing the burden and reliance on a single fisherman.

In the same way, some weeks your networking is going to pay off. You’re going to receive plenty of referrals and have sufficient business. In other weeks, you may not. 

In the weeks when you have an excessively abundant business you have a choice. You can try to hoard the business, and perhaps stretch yourself too thin, do a less professional job, and ultimately waste the opportunity, or you can turn down the business and effectively throw it back. 

You also have a third choice, which is to share your present abundance with someone else, and trust that when the situation is reversed, they will return the favor.

Sharing with competitors is difficult. It can feel like you are taking the food out of your own family’s mouth and handing it to someone else.  But this is abundance thinking in action. You need to believe that if you share with others, they will share with you in return.  When you have a lack, they will help fill it.

I recommend developing some relationships with people you respect who are in a similar business as yours.  It will take great trust on both sides not to feel threatened or insecure. 

But done professionally and with integrity, you will find the benefits enormous.  There is no one who will understand you and your business as well as someone who is facing the same challenge. By taking a risk and having confidence in yourself,  you stand to gain not only referrals but insight, wisdom, understanding and support.