More Than WE Know

 (photo by Zela)

Last night I went to a graduation dinner for iPEC, the institutue for Professional Empowerment Coaching. Approximately 20 of us had been part of an intense program of advanced coaching studies for the past 6 months.  There was much laughing, hugging and even a little crying. We warmly congratulated each other on our success, affectionately kidded each other on past mistakes, and proudly encouraged each other on future opportunities. 

As we chatted during the evening, some people expressed surprise that I had been writing articles on networking for shy entrepreneurs.  They commented that I did not “seem shy”.   This got me thinking about some of the common misconceptions about shyness that can lead to misunderstandings and lost opportunities.

While it’s true that some people are pervasively shy, feeling awkward and self-conscious in almost every interaction, most people fall somewhere short of this extreme.  For many people, shyness is based on their comfort with a situation, a role,  and the people around them.  The more comfortable they feel -  the less shy they act.  Over time, the unfamiliarity fades and the shyness becomes less apparent or even disappears. This was the situation between my classmates and me. Apparently some of them had forgotten how quiet I had been in the early classes and were only looking at the talkative person I had become.

Shyness is a protective device. We are protecting ourselves from the danger of the unknown.  Situational Shyness can be triggered by meeting new people, having a new job, and taking on a new role.  This is why people can be outgoing with friends but shy with strangers.  It is also why some people can be confident presenting in front of a group of strangers but tongue-tied making small-talk to a circle of acquaintances.  

While this behavior can seem clear and consistent to the shy person, it can seem confusing and inconsistent to the people around her. Instead of assuming that the quietness is based on shyness - they may assume it is rudeness, coldness or a deliberate snub.  Their reasoning is that if they’ve seen that person act friendly in the past, they don’t believe that they can be feeling shy now.

The outcome then can be misunderstandings and lost opportunities for friendships and partnership.

So what is the aspiring entrepreneur with situational shyness to do?

By changing the way you talk to yourself and to others, you can give yourself the time you need to regain your self-confidence and eliminate your need for self-protection. 

When you find yourself in a situation that brings out your shyness, such as a networking event, reduce your need for self-protection by changing the way you talk to yourself:   

•  “Most people are feeling uncomfortable”
•  ”Everyone says something wrong sometimes”
•  ”Mistakes are not fatal”
• “No one else is paying as much attention to my behavior as I am”  

And when you talk to others, change the way you explain your behavior. 

Don’t label yourself as shy, instead identify the situation as one that triggers shyness in you. 

If you say “I’m just shy” in response to their questions about why you are quiet, and they have seen you acting self-confident before, you will only get an argument because you don’t fit their idea of shyness. 

“No - you’re not shy! I’ve seen you giving presentations!”

“You can’t be shy! You have a great sense of humor!”

Instead, say “This situation makes me feel shy” or “I get tongue-tied in front of new people.”  They can’t argue with that and it will increase their awareness of the way shyness can come and go.  It may help them realize that your behavior doesn’t mean you are unfriendly or rude or lack anything intelligent to say -  it just means you need a little more time to regain your self-confidence and sense of self.

Many people avoid networking events because they are one of the top situations that trigger our shyness.   Instead of avoiding the events altogether, give yourself some time to adjust, and some freedom to be yourself. 

Instead of attending a different networking event every week, find one you want to attend and go consistently and regularly. Over time, the situation will become more familiar and less threatening and your need for the protection of shyness will fade.  Once you feel comfortable in one networking organization, the next one will seem less intimidating, and the one after that even less so, and so on, and so on.

I was fortunate that the iPEC classes were spread over a period of months so that I had time to become more comfortable in the situation.  You can create the same kind of fortune in your networking by building in the time you need to let go of your shyness and share your best self.

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 Or Why Barbie Doesn’t Make a Good Business Coach!

I’d like to introduce you to a long-time companion of mine - Barbie. You know, the perfect plastic doll that’s been around since the 1960’s? I’m afraid that for years she has taken up residence on my left shoulder.  Whenever I was about to speak up in a group,  Barbie would tug on my earlobe and impart such helpful phrases as:

“They don’t want to hear what you have to say….”

“They already know that….”

“Oh, you are so boring, please be quiet…”

“You’re not going to tell that story again, are you? You tell it so badly….”

….and so on.  Any of you who related to my earlier  post on networking for the shy entrepreneur can probably understand the concept of hearing messages in our heads which tell us to sit down and be quiet and not bother anyone.  For years, I’ve accepted Barbie’s advice, figuring the only person it was hurting was myself.

But one day an insightful business coach gave me a different perspective on the situation. She said that by not speaking up, I was actually withholding myself from others.  And that by spending my time quietly listening in group conversations (which can sometimes be a good thing) I could be misunderstood as only being willing to take from others while giving nothing in return. 

Since the idea of being a taker goes against the very nature of who I am or who I want to be, I definitely took notice.  I realized that Barbie was causing much more harm than I had previously understood - and so I hatched a plot to do her in.

However before I got very far in my murderous scheming, I remembered an essay by Virginia Woolf that I had read a few years ago.  It seems Woolf suffered from a similar left-shoulder visitor, whom she referred to as the “angel of the house”.  This “angel” got in her path whenever she tried to write anything that was not “ladylike”.

In A Room of One’s Own, Ms. Woolf described her own attempt to murder her talkative companion, “ Thus, whenever I felt the shadow of her wing or the radiance of her halo upon my page, I took up the ink pot and flung it at her. She died hard. Her fictitious nature was of great assistance to her. It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality. She was always creeping back when I thought I had dispatched her. ”

I decided that if Virginia Woolf had had that much trouble silencing the voices in her head, that I would probably have no better luck. So instead, I decided to transform Barbie and bring her up to date for the 21st century.  I’ve renamed her Babs, and I’m  retraining her to whisper encouraging words in my ear. Babs says things like:

“Ooh - that’s interesting, they’re going to like that”

“Go ahead and re-tell that story - someone hasn’t heard it yet, and besides, it’s funny.”

“I bet that insight will really help someone, go ahead and tell it.”

Don’t you like Babs much better? I know I do.

So, if you have a voice inside your head telling you that you shouldn’t speak up, or you shouldn’t take a risk, or that no one is going to like you, etc.  recognize it for the limiting belief that it is.  Realize that you are not just limiting yourself, you are limiting those around you  - You are limiting the value you bring to the world.

This blog was created as a means to silence Barbie.  I even named it More Than We Know - because I believe all women Know More Than WE believe we Know, Contribute More Than WE really Know, and Make a Difference to Others More Than WE can ever Know.

So, take a chance - speak up!  Babs says it’s going to be alright.

Do you relate to this story? Do you find yourself tongue-tied out of fear of looking foolish or being boring or misunderstood? If so, I’d like to hear about it.  You can comment below or send me a confidential reply on my “About” page.

Yesterday we talked about the concept of referral marketing.  This is marketing based on the referral of clients between respected colleagues in separate businesses with similar target markets.  For example, a golf pro could refer a client to a chiropractor, or a realtor could refer a client to an interior designer.  These professionals share a similar client base, but provide separate services.

But what about providing referrals to people in the same business as you? Yes, you read that right, as crazy as it sounds, I am suggesting that you refer clients to your competition!

Before you dismiss it out of hand, let me tell you a story about a time when my husband and I were vacationing in India on the Arabian Sea.  We saw some fishing boats with large nets on the beach and were curious about how the fisherman managed the nets to catch fish.  The next morning we got our answer.

The fisherman sailed his boat out into the water while a crowd of men and women stayed on shore holding on to the net.  When the net was fully spread out the boat was probably 100 yards out in the water.  Then the net was lowered to allow fish to swim across. At a signal the net was raised, the boat headed back inland,  and the crowd pulled frantically to pull the net up on the beach. 

Dozens of fish lay spread out on the sand, sparkling in the sun. The crowd coverged and rapidly began collecting the fish.  There was much laughing and joking as they all shared in the fisherman’s catch.  In  a matter of minutes the fish were all gathered up and the crowd moved off back to the village to prepare and preserve the fish.  

Now, you could say that all the members of this village were in competition for the same goal - fish.  And each one could have worked individually to catch their fish supper.  On any given day, some  would have been successful, but many others would not. 

Those that were successful might even have caught more fish than they and their family could eat. They would have then thrown these excess fish back or held onto them only to throw them away when they spoiled. Meanwhile, other fishermen, who had been less successful would have had to let their families go hungry.

By working together the entire village was able to benefit.   They cast a wide net that brought enough fish to feed them all. There were several boats on the beach. The next day a different boat and a different net were used, easing the burden and reliance on a single fisherman.

In the same way, some weeks your networking is going to pay off. You’re going to receive plenty of referrals and have sufficient business. In other weeks, you may not. 

In the weeks when you have an excessively abundant business you have a choice. You can try to hoard the business, and perhaps stretch yourself too thin, do a less professional job, and ultimately waste the opportunity, or you can turn down the business and effectively throw it back. 

You also have a third choice, which is to share your present abundance with someone else, and trust that when the situation is reversed, they will return the favor.

Sharing with competitors is difficult. It can feel like you are taking the food out of your own family’s mouth and handing it to someone else.  But this is abundance thinking in action. You need to believe that if you share with others, they will share with you in return.  When you have a lack, they will help fill it.

I recommend developing some relationships with people you respect who are in a similar business as yours.  It will take great trust on both sides not to feel threatened or insecure. 

But done professionally and with integrity, you will find the benefits enormous.  There is no one who will understand you and your business as well as someone who is facing the same challenge. By taking a risk and having confidence in yourself,  you stand to gain not only referrals but insight, wisdom, understanding and support.

In recent posts on networking, I advised against immediately selling your services directly to the people you networked with. Instead I opined on the benefits of meeting new people, investigating new opportunities and exploring new ideas.

“That’s all well and good”, readers responded, “but how does that help my bottom line? I already have friends, what I need are customers!”

So, today, I’ll reveal the next step in successful networking that will lead you to an increase in referral customers. But, to be most successful, it should be undertaken only after you have developed a relationship with the newfound members of your network. If done right, they will be eager to participate in a referral exchange with you. Afterall, they are also looking for referral customers but may not know where to start.

So, let’s say you’ve met someone who is in a business with a similar target market as yourself. For me, as a small business development specialist, that might be an accountant, an attorney, a web designer, a logo designer, a print shop owner or a loan officer. For you, it would be anyone who could also provide services to your clients. For an interior decorator, it could be a realtor; for a chiropractor, it could be a golf coach; for a computer repairperson, it could be a virtual assistant.

And don’t forget that your customers have a personal life as well - they are in need of a hair dresser, a manicurist, a tailor, a pediatrician, a dentist, a tennis instructor and a life coach.

It almost becomes a game to think of all the types of people who interact with your target market on a regular basis and could be potential referral partners with you.

Now think of the network you’ve begun cultivating and identify one person you would feel comfortable referring to your own customers. Contact that person and ask them to describe their ideal client. If it is similar to yours, suggest that you both be on the lookout for that type of client for each other. You’ll recommend their services and they’ll recommend yours. Offer to give them some of your business cards and ask for some of theirs. That way they won’t have to remember your contact details.

Sounds simple, no? It is, but you should also be prepared for a couple possible pitfalls.

1) Some entrepreneurs make it a rule not to provide specific referrals; Don’t take it personally. They may have had a bad experience in the past, or they may have too many acquaintances in the same profession and prefer not to single one out. You might want to start the conversation by asking about their opinions on referrals. If it is positive, you can pursue the discussion, otherwise you can leave it at a general level.

2) Some entrepreneurs may tell you they don’t know you or your services well enough to recommend you. That’s okay, too. Leave the door open to discuss it again after they know you better. You may also want to give them a discount to try your services for themselves.

But, let’s imagine you’ve both agreed that it would be mutually beneficial to create this arrangement. Then the next time you have a customer who could use your referral partner’s services, pull out their card. Turn it over and jot on the back,

“Please take special care of Jane. Regards, Liz”

There are multiple reasons for writing a personal note on the card. Consider how much more likely Jane is:

1) to keep the card

2) to make the call

3) to let them know who referred her

There are also other more formal referral arrangements you could consider:

• agree to give a discount to customers you provide to each other

• provide a compensation to each other for providing referral customers (ethically, you should disclose to your customer that you are compensated for referring them to this person)

If you are still feeling a bit intimidated or overwhelmed about setting this type of relationship up yourself, you can join a formal referrral based networking group, such as BNI, Intl.

BNI chapters exist in most cities in the US and in 38 other countries. Each BNI chapter admits one member from each profession. They require that each member be working in that profession full-time. Applicants must be recommended by someone already in the group, or at least, interviewed by a group member before joining. There is a fee and a commitment to attend weekly meetings on a regular basis or send a substitute guest.

Remember, the best way to set up a referral relationship is with people you already have a relationship with. And the best time to build a relationship is before you need it. So, no matter what stage your business is in, or how many clients you’re serving now, carve out some time to network and build relationships. You’ll be glad you did.

Have you had an experience making a referral or receiving a referral? If so, I want to hear about it! If not, let me know what is holding you back!

  When I ask Women Entrepreneurs about the business activity they least enjoy, I get a consistent answer, “marketing”.  And when I ask the method that they are currently employing, the most frequent response is “networking’.  It seems strange to me that so many women, who have a reputation for being sociable beings, would find networking so challenging.

The reasons they give me are:

• it feels uncomfortable
• it’s time consuming
• it doesn’t pay off

In this part 1 of a 3 part series, I am going to ask you to take a new look at the way you are networking. I’m convinced that if you employ these strategies, networking will become one of your favorite, and most productive methods of marketing your business.

The most frequent objection is that networking feels uncomfortable. Women Entrepreneurs tell me that they don’t like the forced atmosphere of networking or “working a room”. It feels predatory and unnatural. The rules of the game seem to be, “Get as many business cards as possible in as little time as possible and then pester those people for business. “

I’d like to propose a new game, one that feels more comfortable to women and draws on our natural ability as social beings.  Next time you are at one of those “networking events”, instead of focusing on the quantity of connections you make, focus on the quality.

Who cares if you only speak to one or two people? One or two authentic connections are preferable to a dozen inauthentic, high-pressured and easily forgettable ones. 

So, instead of measuring the success of the evening by the number of cards you collect, measure it instead by the number of laughs you share, the number of stories you hear, and the number of new friends you make. 

Don’t worry about it being a waste of time – how far was that stack of cards going to get you, really?

So, at the very next event, make it a point to talk to one or two people and actually get to know them.  Ask what they do and really listen.  Don’t just wait for an opening to pounce on them with your expertise.  And don’t sell them your services!   Just take a few moments to listen to their concerns, their challenges, and their aspirations. Make the new game seeing how many things you can talk about before you tell them what you do. 

And when they ask what you do? Then tell a story about your day, share a laugh, maybe even suggest stealing an extra dessert. In other words, connect with that person like they’re an interesting human being that you’d like to get to know. They’ll be so relieved that they’ll start to relax. And before you know it, they’ll be ASKING for your card because they will WANT to talk to you more.

But be cautious – you’re cultivating a network, not trying to make a sale. Resist the urge to sell your services directly. Hand them your card, tell them what you do, maybe give an amusing anecdote about your job, or a funny question you always get asked. You want them to remember you when they need you, not hire you on the spot! Be sure to describe your ideal customer. Tell them if they come across anyone like that, you’d be glad to help. 

Congratulations! You’ve just expanded your network - and not just by the one person you spoke with, but by all the people that your new friend knows. As time goes on, they will be looking for opportunities to help you, to send work your way, and to connect with you again. And of course, you’ll be doing the same for them!